Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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