Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
