im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
two words: eviction party
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
