dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
