Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
