the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
