I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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