My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?