Please, let me fuck your mom
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep