Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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