it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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