next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
