mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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