the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
