I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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