Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
