I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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