I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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