I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
