Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
