We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
