My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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