happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
