you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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