On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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