dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
