yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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