Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
