i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
