FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
