Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
