I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
