no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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