So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
