My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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