you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
