I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
