Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
