what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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