Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
