Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
