Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
