This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
