Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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