even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
