the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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