I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
