I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
