We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
