I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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