I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Randomize
