I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Holy sore nipples Batman
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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