Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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