so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
