my mouth tastes like poor choices
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
