I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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