my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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