My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
