I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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