He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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