Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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