38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
