I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
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When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
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Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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